No Longer Ashamed of My Past, Forgiving Myself & Moving Forward

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me forgive myself. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of. I have made mistakes that no one knows about. Throughout all my mistakes and disappointments you still blessed me. You always came through even when I chose to be disobedient and do my own thing. You have shown me so much grace and kindness. You knew that one day I would get it right and you allowed me to see it come to pass. In the process of forgiving myself thank you for showing me my worth and who I am. I listened to so many other peoples opinion of me, I forgot who I was and ended up turning into all the things they said. You reminded me through your love and prayer that I am a child of God regardless of my past. You used the past to make me who I am today. I am no longer ashamed of my past. I am no longer running from my past. I am in your arms now and you are protecting me from the enemies attacks. Before I had no peace, but now that I am living for you I have peace of mind. I can finally sleep at night. I wake up singing your praises because I am who you say I am. I am no longer the same!

If anyone is reading this post and you are still struggling with your present or past I urge you to lift up your hands where you are and say:

Dear God, I believe that your son Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins. I believe that he is the son of God. Wash me and make me new today. Forgive me of my sins so that I can live completely for you. I am tired of living like this. I am letting go and putting it in your hands. In Jesus name I pray.. amen!

You are saved.

Whenever the enemy tries to remind you of the past, remind him of your future and how God is going to use you like never before.

Philippians 3:13

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

If you would like to purchase my Poetry and Prose books click on Menu and then the Books tab for more information. OR, you can go to Amazon and search up my newest book Fading Into the Clouds by Deonte’ Earl Towner.

Nothing Makes Sense

This morning has been extremely tough as a teacher overall for everyone. Just by walking down the street, in the bus or subway, sitting through traffic or walking by colleagues at work you can feel the thick amount of sadness in the air and that it’s on everyone’s mind. As a teacher there’s no way I could continue on the lesson as though a tragedy didn’t just happen yesterday. It would pain me to fake a smile for my students and pretend like everything is alright.. today I offered students space to open up if they felt comfortable enough, share stories, listen to music and just put their head down to reflect. We are so busy in the world with deadlines and consumed with so many responsibilities we don’t have the proper space to take everything in and actually reflect on how we are feeling.

Last night I was tossing and turning like the rest of the world thinking about all the victims in my head. It seemed like the world stopped and nothing else mattered. My thoughts began taking over and I started wondering what their last words and thoughts were. The teachers and kids wondering why me..

I wanted to take the day off work but I knew my responsibility as a teacher. I know we have to make sure we take care of ourselves, but I knew many of my students were struggling emotionally because of all the emails I received last night from them trying to make sense of the world. As teachers we want to be there for everybody regardless of how we feel. At the end of the day we all need each other. We are all hurting souls and are much stronger together. Praying for everyone out there struggling to make it through the day.

Praying for all the victims and their families.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A World Grieving 19 Children 2 Adults

My heart grieves.. no matter how many school shootings there are in the world I’ll never grow numb to these tragic events. Their parents woke up this morning dressing their babies not thinking it would be the last time they would hug and kiss them. The tossing and turning their loved ones will experience for months and years longing for their warm embrace. Constant reminders from the scent on their bedroom covers, clothes and pictures on the kitchen table tugging the heart and deep sadness wishing it was all but a bad dream.

They had their whole life ahead of them. Their parents will never be able to send them off to prom, walk them down the aisle, cheer for them at graduation, experience another holiday memory or teach them how to drive for the first time. I could only imagine the fear on the teachers face. The teacher will never be able to make another lesson, get ready for another school year, make another child smile when they are feeling low.. Prayers to the staff, families and children. This world will never be the same without them. RIP💔

May 24, 2022.

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Trapped In My Messed Up Head

Everyone has a past. There are things we’ve done, and mistakes that we’ve made that we will never forget. Sometimes people that know our past will try to throw those old things in our faces to keep us down. For some trying to stay happy is a struggle. There are moments in a persons life where everything is going good and then their thoughts begin to take over and those old negative thoughts and memories start to take over. Those memories can cause rage, depression, heartache and even reoccurring pain from years ago over things you thought you’ve moved on from. Some people beat themselves up on the inside everyday. The anxiety inside of you begins to make you  feel trapped. The anxiety begins to make you feel like you can’t breathe and you’re screaming and no one hears you. You’re trying to do everything to stay in control but slowly everything unfolds and you can no longer hide how you feel on the inside. Your mind tells you that nobody understands and it will always be like this. 

Don’t give up. Just know that God will not allow you to drown in your sorrows. There’s hope and life outside of the storms you’ve been facing for all these years. You don’t have to keep giving life to those old thoughts in your head. God has forgiven you now it’s time for you to break free and forgive yourself. Whenever those memories replay in your head remind yourself where God is taking you even if you can’t see it. God has something in store for you. He’s your father, he owns the world  and will provide you with more than you could ever imagine and pray for. Don’t worry about how God is going to do it just know he will.. 

Psalm 32: 8

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

If you would like to purchase my Poetry and Prose books click on Menu and then the Books tab for more information. OR, you can go to Amazon and search up my newest book Fading Into the Clouds by Deonte’ Earl Towner.

Prayer for those Seeking A Soulmate

Pin on amor mio

Dear God,

I know that you have someone for me. I have been waiting patiently. During this season I have been working on myself. I have been praying more, working on my self worth, figuring out who I am, healing from the past, growing spiritually and speaking daily affirmations over my life. God give me the courage and strength to start interacting with people again. I know that it is time. I am tired of being alone. Through this time alone you have given me joy and now I am ready to share this joy with the love of my life. It can get hard Lord seeing others with the love of their life on social media. I know the day will come but sometimes I lose hope and begin to doubt if love will ever come my way. I’ve been crushed way too many times. Maybe I am damaged good and I am useless. Maybe I can’t be loved. But I refuse to believe those lies from the enemy.

I am worthy to be loved. I do deserve love. I am not going to be lonely for the rest of my life. I will be in a healthy relationship. God in my next relationship I promise to put you first and keep you first. I promise to seek you every time my partner and I go through hard times. Thank you for growing me in this season. Please let this next season be my season to find my partner. I decree and declare that love is here.

You have someone designed just for me. And while I am waiting for them I know that you are growing them spiritually. You are helping them work out their trauma, so when they find me they won’t throw all their hurt on me. You are helping them get closer to you so they can be God fearing. I thank you Lord for helping me see your plan for my life. I will continually to be excited for my future, other couples, until my love comes. You are my first love and I can’t wait to see who you have for me.

Sincerely,

Your Child in a season waiting for love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

If you would like to purchase my Poetry and Prose books click on Menu and then the Books tab for more information. OR, you can go to Amazon and search up my newest book Fading Into the Clouds by Deonte’ Earl Towner.

Sad Thoughts During the Holidays

Ethnic female leaning on railing in room

There are many emotions that people feel during the holidays. Some people are excited to be around the ones they love, grieving the loss of a family member, or the relationship with their family is non existent because of all the drama in the past that has not been healed. My heart goes out to anyone that is hurting in this season. You maybe laying down reading this post crying in your pillow, walking around a local mall doing last minute shopping, or sitting in a crowded room around loved ones still feeling alone on the inside. I want you to know that God has you here for a reason.

You may wish that God sped time so that the holidays can be over already because of the painful memories you have to relive or the waves of emotions that you experience deep down in your stomach that feel never ending because everyone else is happy and you feel emotionally drained, lonely, sad and your anxiety is raising to the roof but no one would ever know because of the calm act you put on in public.

Put your hand on your heart and remember that you have been through so many trials in life that others would have given up on a long time ago. You are still here. Perhaps you’re barely standing, but you are standing. You’re tired of being strong, but you’re so much further than you’ve ever been through the power of God.

Celebrate this Christmas and New Years congratulating yourself. All the nights you’ve cried, all the nights you’ve prayed asking God why, all the times people walked out your life when you’ve been there for them, all the times you put others before yourself because you had a big heart and they still betrayed you.. God is getting ready to bless you real big for all the sacrifices you’ve made, and you being obedient to him. You didn’t go through all this for no reason. Things won’t always be this way remember. One day you will be able to look back and realize it was all worth it.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

Amen!

If you would like to purchase my Poetry and Prose books click on Menu and then the Books tab for more information. OR, you can go to Amazon and search up my newest book Fading Into the Clouds by Deonte’ Earl Towner.

Choosing Myself, but Losing You

If we stay then we lose ourselves, but if we walk away then we lose them… Sometimes we don’t want to walk away because we know that the pain of losing them will cause us to sink under the sea of pain, but maybe that’s what we need.

@deontetowner

Sometimes it’s all in your head. Sometimes we make it harder than it has to be. Sometimes life causes us to overthink situations when really we have the power to make those decisions and the answer has been there the whole time. Sometimes we don’t want to walk away because we know that the pain of losing them will cause us to sink under the sea of pain, but maybe that’s what we need.

Maybe we need a rebirth so that we can wake up from what we’ve allowed ourselves to be blind to for so long. Maybe we need a reality check. Maybe we need to feel those emotions so that we can feel again. Maybe we we’ve been gone from ourselves for so long that it takes us to lose them to rediscover the new person that God is forming us out to be. In the process there are so many unanswered questions, and what if’s. Sometimes we try to explain ourselves to others and tell them about the pain that we are feeling but no comfort will hit as close as prayers to God at night, when we are trying to figure which way to turn.

If we stay then we lose ourselves, but if we walk away then we lose them but we reconnect with ourselves.. either way we lose something, but its worth it to always choose ourselves first. Nobody ever said that choosing ourselves would be easy. Why is it so hard to pick ourselves first.. the fact that we would choose someone that’s not good for us and sacrifice everything for them.. If you’re in this situation I pray that you make the right decision and walk away no matter how many years you’ve invested in them.. use all that energy to love you.

James 1:5

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

Amen!

If you would like to purchase my Poetry and Prose books click on Menu and then the Books tab for more information. OR, you can go to Amazon and search up my newest book Fading Into the Clouds by Deonte’ Earl Towner.

Struggling to Be Grateful During the Storms

I thank God that I do not fear living life anymore. I would get anxiety over anything. I would think about all the bad things that could happen to me, but now instead I think of all the amazing blessings that could happen throughout my day.

@deontetowner

This morning as I was writing in my journal I began to jot all the things that I am grateful for. I wanted to share them with you all just in case you are going through a lot in your life and it seems like your troubles are outweighing the goodness of life. Looking at these may help you refocus and count all your blessings.

My Grateful List:

  1. I am grateful for the love of Jesus Christ in my life. To know that he will never leave me nor forsake me makes life worth living. He won’t walk out like everyone else.
  2. I thank God for my family and friends that I have. The small circle of people I have around me that truly cares about my well being brings me joy.
  3. I am grateful for a roof over my head. The fact that I have somewhere to sleep and take a warm shower every night is something that we take for granted because we’ve had it for so long.
  4. I am grateful that I can say that I love all of me. There was a time in my life that I hated myself. I would tell myself mean things so that when someone else would say it to me it wouldn’t hurt as much. I thank God that I wake up every morning uplifting myself instead of beating myself up on the inside.
  5. I thank God that I do not fear living life anymore. I would get anxiety over anything. I would think about all the bad things that could happen to me, but now instead I think of all the amazing blessings that could happen throughout my day.

Please comment below or send me an email of all the things you are grateful for.

Ephesians 3:18-19

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Amen!

If you would like to purchase my Poetry and Prose books click on Menu and then the Books tab for more information. OR, you can go to Amazon and search up my newest book Fading Into the Clouds by Deonte’ Earl Towner.

Your Words Can Bring Life or Kill A Person’s Spirit

There is nothing wrong with trying to become rich and have materialistic items. God can bless you beyond what you could ever imagine, but in the midst of trying to get ahead in life don’t forsake relationships and the love that God has required us to have for each other.

@deontetowner

In life we have become so busy doing our own thing. We live in a culture where money is put before everything. The music we listen to preaches about getting money by any means necessary. I remember when I was a youngster 50cent had an album called Get Rich or Die Tryin. So many people are obsessed with getting rich to the point we are forgetting about what truly matters, and it’s God first and through his love its the relationships we build with other people. So many people in the world are suffering mentally and spiritually. It is disheartening that we have become too busy to make time for others.

There is nothing wrong with trying to become rich and have materialistic items. God can bless you beyond what you could ever imagine, but in the midst of trying to get ahead in life don’t forsake relationships and the love that God has required us to have for each other. Did you know that your kind words can actually save someone’s life? Did you know that someone’s whole life can turn around just because you reached out to them and shared some words of encouragement?

I urge you to take time out of your busy schedule and reach out to someone that you haven’t talked to in a long time. Or, say a quick prayer and ask the Holy Spirit who he want’s you to reach out to. The face that pops inside of your head is the one he want’s you to text/call. The message can be a simple one liner. A few words can go a long way. Allow Jesus Christ to work and continue to plant seeds to grow the kingdom.

1 John 4:8

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Amen!

If you would like to purchase my Poetry and Prose books click on Menu and then the Books tab for more information. OR, you can go to Amazon and search up my newest book Fading Into the Clouds by Deonte’ Earl Towner.

Arguing In the Comment Sections On Social Media Destroys Mental Health

Always remember who you are through the eyes of God. Stand on God’s promises and uplift yourself with affirmations. Pick and choose your battles. You do not have to argue with strangers.

@deontetowner

One thing I have learned about life is that it is vitally important to pick and choose your battles. It is not wise nor mentally healthy to make everything into a debate or argument. I can honestly say that many people in life struggle with feeling the need to always voice their opinion. Being on social media can be very triggering because of the different view points that people have about politics, relationships, religion, racism and worldviews. It can be very conflicting at times because of how passionate we are about these sensitive topics. I can honestly say that it is very rare that healthy, positive and respectful debates take place on social media especially on Twitter or in the Instagram comments.

People can be very brutal and bullying often occurs on social media when someone disagrees with your opinion. I have seen cases where people get doxed and their address is leaked all over social media, phone number is released to the public and phone calls are made to their job. It is very sad of the extreme measures people have gone to in order to damage a persons life. I have also saw cases where people will make burner accounts (anonymous accounts) and spew hatred towards others. Some people can handle the negativity that comes with social media but there are those that internalize all of the hateful comments. If you allow it to get to you too much then your whole day will be ruined and instead of focusing on how good God is and counting your blessings you will find yourself fighting back and forth in your mind about the argument you had hours ago.

My best advice is to always remember who you are through the eyes of God. Stand on God’s promises and uplift yourself with affirmations. Also, remember to pick and choose your battles. You do not have to argue with strangers. Instead call up a trusted friend or family member and ask them if they have the emotional mental space to hear you out on the topic that might have triggered you. If you have no one to talk to about it then reach out to God. Begin praying and have conversations with the Holy Spirit! Lol God always listens!!! But if you feel the need to truly comment then just be ready for the negativity.

Truth be told, the conversation on social media can go great, but just always ask yourself if what you are going to comment is worth it. Every time I log on social media I remind myself of the purpose of why I am online, and what topic am I willing to have conversations about. Anything outside of your purpose should be blocked out. NOT because those aren’t important topics, but only because trying to have conversation about EVERYTHING can be very draining.

Always remember if you need to take a break, or fall back from everyone then do it. Be honest with yourself and stay true to who you are on and offline.

Mark 12 30-31

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

Amen!

If you would like to purchase my Poetry and Prose books click on Menu and then the Books tab for more information. OR, you can go to Amazon and search up my newest book Fading Into the Clouds by Deonte’ Earl Towner.